I’ve lived with men as housemates all my life. through uni I shared several houses with male housemates. and they suck sometimes. they leave the toilet seat up, they piss on the floor, they leave all their shavings in and around the sink, they collect plates and takeaway containers of half-eaten food in their rooms and in my experience, they often live (unfathomable to me) contentedly in squalor.
but living with a man also has it’s upsides, I promise. just hear me out.
they fix things. my housemate bought a really expensive, really impressive new fridge, silver and contemporary, complete with own water and ice dispenser. the door’s skirting and the cabinet above the fridge’s cove prevented it from even remotely fitting into the space. so James being a typical man’s man who thinks the idea of measurements and tools is a man’s wet dream, got to work by removing, sanding, poly filling, painting the door frame and reattaching the cupboard above. so now the fridge fits so perfectly it’s like it was always meant to be. if it was up to me and nat, the fridge would have bin promptly returned, and we’d’ve ended up living on imperishables from tins and room temperature tap water.
they kill bugs. going back to the last great pro, my bike got a flat tyre today. without question James immediately got his hands filthy by taking apart the back wheel. in his quest on looking for the pump, he encountered a red back spider – one bite from one of these babies can be fatal. so he killed it. god bless Australia hey. as a woman we are stereotypically, blamelessly, and societally accepted to be afraid of tiny insects. furthermore he set fire to all the cobwebs littering the patio rails and previously worked as a pest controller for a friend. strictly man jobs.
they do the mandatory man jobs that are innately masculine. they take the bins out, the unblock the drains of clogged hair (even if it’s mainly yours), they change the tyres (see above) and they open impossibly chastised jars. it’s unwritten law.
they are your personal chauffeur. it’s great, I’m pretty poor and currently providing for the both of us, but if I need to go somewhere I’ve got my own personal taxi on speed dial. and I don’t have to pay. hurray!
they eat all the leftovers. I’m not a big eater, although I do inhale my food, and regretfully I often waste produce because I buy it and don’t eat it because I don’t eat a lot. men are like dogs scavenging. they won’t let anything go to waste, which is great because then I don’t feel guilty about having to waste good food. now if only I didn’t need a Hoover..
they balance out the bitchiness. I know all girls say they’re “one of the boys”, but that’s because boys are so much more fun and laid back. they don’t go behind each other’s back and they usually confront issues straight away if something’s upset them – which is also a rarity. I’ve lived in a house full of girls and it was so unbelievably dull and unnecessarily tense, for no reason. I wouldn’t trade the world for Emma but she’s literally the only girl I can tolerate.
they install things. similarly to fixing things, men also like installing things. the sky box (foxtel here), the Internet, the DVD player I can’t get to work through the tv. I probably could if I tried, but I know a man will enthusiastically get to work on it and probably reach conclusion before me, so why bother?
they keep the bed warm. it’s winter here in Australia and altho it’s still pretty hot, sometimes at night it gets chilly. there’s no radiators in the houses, only air con, which is the exact opposite of what I want in the cold seasons. but having a man to lie with is having your own personal hot water bottle with arms.
they satisfy my primitive needs. look, my vibrator doesn’t have arms. unfortunately unlike lady toys, men do answer back and need to recharge too, but sex and cuddles is always a winning combination.
I implore all you women to maybe seriously consider a male roommate. they will also provide beer and video games… and a shoulder to hide behind when scary movies become a bit too much.
where the light is 