how to pick a partner for a potential zombie apocalypse

alas, poor ewe-rick … ‘ram-let’

when you are contemplating dating someone, think to yourself, “would [insert name here] be a good choice in case of a zombie outbreak?”

you think I’m kidding.

with all this talk of the world’s end next month and me playing a lot of zombie games/reflecting on max brooks’s “zombie survival guide” which I read while living abroad/deciding to be buried rather than cremated so I can come back as a motherfucking zombie in light of such an meltdown, I have come to the conclusion that this outbreak cannot be handled solely alone.

on the other hand, I don’t believe assembling an apocalypse team is a brilliant idea either: people don’t get along, there’s more room for mistake, more food to be rationed amongst many, a bigger likelihood that people will let you down. what you need is a strong partner if you want any chance to survive such a societal crisis.

take a look at your potential choice. take a real hard look. do they have what it takes to protect and support you in the possible event of a catastrophic societal breakdown? because if they don’t, then why the hell are you with them?

this is where I get serious. if you are in a relationship with someone who can’t grasp the concept of strategical planning, who is selfish and doesn’t know how to share, who is not strong-willed or optimistic, then what chances have you got of a future with this person? of course a nice body is highly appreciated, we might have to escape a lot of walking corpses on foot and we wouldn’t want to be jeopardized by our partners not being in physical good health … (did zombieland not teach you anything? rule #1: cardio, because fatties always die first). don’t all of these characteristics play significant roles in real life scenarios? housemates, marriage, parenthood… if you want any chance of survival (ie, a long-lasting relationship), you need stability and reliability from your partner. would you really choose someone you couldn’t rely on to try and withstand a collapse of society? no. you wouldn’t.

similarly, you’ll want someone who can make you laugh when times are hard, someone who is considerate and trustworthy (which, in turns, these traits show they will support and protect), and someone who has a positive attitude and ambitious personality. no you won’t give up and yes you will get out of this nasty situation with the help and strength of each other. the winning combination to mr and mrs awesome is recognizing and celebrating your strengths; maybe your partner is really strong and can wield heavy objects to crush an unexpected zombie’s skull and you can fit through tiny hedge gaps to bring back pales of water to base – ok, I’m getting a bit literal with the whole zombie crisis but you get what I mean.. ultimately, you pick a partner who you know you can trust and depend on when you need to.

at the end of the day, life is full of unexpected little twists – albeit maybe not a zombie epidemic just yet but a combination of factors hinting the beginnings of one – sickness, death, anarchy… the last thing we want to do is put in twice the effort by running around after your clumsy partner whom you can’t really depend on.

so you know when people say “never settle for anything less”? I’m going to finish that sentence, and declare never settle for anything less than a potential zombie apocalypse survivor.

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